Wednesday, February 27, 2013

the illusion of choice

I'm attempting to write a post on our version of living a 24/7 dynamic with two little children in the house.  It's harder than I thought it would be, I keep going off on tangents.  One of them was about choice.  A few days ago this conversation took place (which I shared in my post "sprinkles"):

Vincent: No. Nope. Don't speak.  You don't have a choice.
Me: But! Ugh, I don't ever have any choices!
Vincent: *grinning maniacally* And now you're finally getting it.
Me: *sputters but stays silent* 

We were playing around at the time, in a way.  He was teasing me, but not joking, if that makes sense.

So, as I was attempting to write the other post, I began to think about choice, my choices.  It didn't take long for me to realize that ultimately the only choice I have is to submit or not. 

This doesn't mean I don't make choices on a daily basis, but those choices are, in reality, only allowed by Vincent.  He could, at any time, make an absolute decision at which point my only choice is to submit or not.  Although, there is no punishment if I chose not to submit, the consequence is a rift in our relationship and Vincent's displeasure.  Those consequences are never worth getting my own way.

Often even the choices he allows me to make are still run by him, based on an expressed opinion by him or on what I believe he would have me choose.

Yesterday I told him I'd realized this and he was surprised that I'd not noticed this before.  I think he's just Mr. Sneaky, subtly getting me to this point so that by the time I realized my lack of choice it would be what I wanted, not something I would try and fight.

Lack of choice, or expression of control, doesn't have to be exhibited with asking permission to use furniture, or go to the bathroom, or seeking permission to wear clothes.  Although, of course, there is nothing wrong with having that as a part of your dynamic, some might even need that.  Sometimes, though, expression of control (my lack of choice) can be much more subtle, but still just as effective.

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