Sunday, February 24, 2013

my very hard limit

I promised a post on my biggest fear, my hardest of all my hard limits... but I'm finding it really difficult to write.

I don't want it to be taken the wrong way.

I guess it would best be started like this:

I know that anal play can be safely and consensually used as punishment, but it is personally my biggest fear.  Please know this is partly based on the context in which I first was made aware of it, and partially drawn from my own views on anal play and all sex.  If you experience or use anal play or sex as punishment in a safe, risk aware, consensual way I have no problem with that.

A while back I was reading some posts on a DD forum where these women were talking about their husbands using anal sex as punishment.  They made it very clear they don't like anal sex, and they talked about it being painful and humiliating.  They also encouraged other wives to submit to it if their husbands decided to use it as punishment.

The way these women wrote, nothing sounded loving or caring, safe or truly consensual, and it scared me.  It's possible that it was loving and caring, and safe and completely consensual, I only know what I read and how I interpretted it.  Either way, even if it is done in a loving, caring, safe, and consensual way it's a very hard limit for me.

First of all, though Vincent has put a small plug in my butt, I have never had anal sex and I am rather scared of it to begin with.  I'm willing to try it, but it would be pushing my limits, and that's with it being an act of passion and sexual fun.  So, to imagine anal sex being used in a punishing way is terrifying to me.

Secondly, very early on in our relationship we made a pact to never use sex against each other.  No denying each other sex in bitterness, anger, or resentment.  No denying sex to get something we want.  No seducing each other for the purpose of getting something we want either.  Sex, we decided, would be reserved as an expression of love, passion, forgiveness, acceptance, connection, sexual need, and anything else positive. (We express all those things quite often, hehe.)  Using anal sex as punishment would break that pact completely.

Edit: As part of the above agreement it has always been implied that sex would be pleasurable for both of us. That doesn't mean I have an orgasm every single time, it just means that if something doesn't really feel good, or it hurts in a bad way (because not all pain is bad) we don't do it. When we do eventually try anal sex, it's already been established by Vincent that if it is not at all pleasurable for me we won't do it, period. So that also figures into my extreme dislike of using anal sex as punishment.

Lastly, my view of punishment is such that, even when done lovingly with great care, it doesn't register that way for me.  If Vincent is displeased with me I immediately seek to right the wrong.  If he chose to punish me I would view that as merely a representation of his displeasure, after which I would still need to do something to regain Vincent's favor.  From what I've seen, many who do use punishment as part of their dynamic, the punishment is the atonement and afterward the wrongdoing is completely forgiven and the relationship restored.  Punishment doesn't do that for me (a big reason it isn't a part of our dynamic).  Therefore, if Vincent ever used anal sex as punishment (which he wouldn't) it would only be an expression of his anger or displeasure and would be a wholly negative experience.

Each dynamic, just like the people involved, is unique.  No two are exactly the same.  For this reason I can see that anal play and anal sex can be used as punishment in a healthy way.  For me, however, it cannot, and thankfully I don't have to ever worry about it!

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