Sunday, March 10, 2013

sunday snapshots

I started writing this yesterday, it was supposed to be "saturday snippets", but then life (kids) happened and my daughter deleted the entire post...

I don't even know how she did it.  I was busy with  her older brother, he was getting into things he shouldn't, and my laptop sat on the couch.  When she realized the coast was clear she darted over and began mashing buttons as fast and as hard as she could.  And somehow everything got erased.

Anyway, "saturday snippets" is now "sunday snapshots".  These snapshots are moments that happen sort of tucked neatly into the monotony of everyday life.  I've spoken of them before.  Inbetween the cleaning, and the cooking, and the diapers, and the kid corralling, these little moments are expressions of the dynamic that lays just under the surface of everyday life.


(A little background, I'm not allowed to drink Mt. Dew soda anymore because it gives me horrid stomach aches.  Unfortunately, it is my favorite soda and sometimes I just can't resist...)

Vincent: (As we are walking from Papa Murphy's to our car, kids in tow) Is that Mt. Dew in your hand?!
Me: Ummm... yes?
Vincent: Go back and exchange it. Now.
Me: But, but there isn't anything else I like!
Vincent: (incredulously) There isn't any Pepsi?
Me: No!
Vincent: Fine.  
Me: (hanging my head) I'm in big trouble aren't I?
Vincent: Yes. I'll deal with you when we get home.

Apparently drinking a drink because you love it, and ignoring the fact it will cause you immense pain later, can be considered "intention to harm oneself".  Also, apparently, intention to harm myself is a punishable offense. He considered taking away my phone, or laptop, or Kindle, but decided on a simple spanking instead. His decision may have been due to the fact that I can do anything I do one device, on the other, therefore removing one of them would actually do nothing at all.

(I swear, the moment I start telling the internet universe that we don't do punishment in our dynamic up it pops!  What the heck?!)


(Setting the stage: We're about to get our carpets cleaned sometime next week.  We also have washable paint pens, and yes, I have tested them.  They come off every surface with soap and water.)

 Me: So, the kids got into the washable paint pens and DID NOT (meaning they did) draw all over the bed and the carpet after getting bored with the paper I gave them...
Vincent: They did what?!  Where were you?
Me: So, this time, it was my fault.  I was sitting at your computer, I looked away for about a minute, maybe two, and it just happened.
(After seeing the damage...)
Vincent: You're cleaning those sheets this weekend, and this better not happen again!  Also, you're getting spanked.

(He wasn't really angry, just annoyed.  And no, I have no idea what I was thinking letting the kids be unsupervised for even a moment with paint pens. I have no excuses.)


(What happened first: Yesterday was errand day, we were headed to Costco and Safeway, and if you have young kids you know how long it takes to get everyone ready and out the door.  So, I started flipping out because I wanted to go and Vincent was not in as big of a hurry as I.)

Vincent: (Overtop of me flipping out) Stop.  Alex, just stop!
Me: But I want to go and...
Vincent: No. I'm pulling a Dom card here, you need to stop talking right now.  We're leaving now.
Me: *stunned into silence*
Vincent: Hmmm, that works really well.  I'm going to have to remember that.

Later in the day:

Vincent: So, I've decided that whenever you flip out I'm going to pull the Dom card.  That means you stop talking at me right away and listen.
Me: Oh, okay.
Vincent: (half joking) Maybe I should have a physical card I hand you and you'll just have to stop talking whenever I hand you the card.
Me: Haha, you're so funny.

And then today, he pulled the Dom card again...

I might make him an actual card just for the fun of it.  I could make it all sparkly and flowery...

*snicker snicker*

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


Vincent and I were strolling through a pet store last weekend.  We passed some dog cages, and he turns to me and says, "We should get you a birdcage."

What birdcages and dog cages have in common, other than being cages, I don't know. I assumed he got bored with constantly referring to me as his little doggy (he does this just to see the blush on my face, and watch me get all indignant and insistent that I am NOT a little doggy), and decided it was time to switch to birds.  Which is okay with me.  I'd much rather be a songbird in a birdcage, than a dog in a kennel.

Anyway, I asked him, "And what would I do in this birdcage?"

"Sleep, of course.  You don't need much room, just enough to curl up inside."

Of course, sleep.  Curled in a ball.  Unable to move.

Oh the things he comes up with!

Saturday, March 2, 2013

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies

Warning: This post might be a little, or a lot, disjointed.  I apologize if it makes no sense at all.  It's also going to be somewhat vague, and I'm sorry.  I also hate vague posts, but sometimes we have to share our feelings without talking about the specifics, right?

On Thursday I discovered a whole myriad of things about someone close to me that were horrifying, and shocking, and deeply affected me.  At first I was just shocked and horrified.  That's all I could feel, horror and shock.  And that lasted until the next day.

Yesterday I was mostly able to ignore it.  Every now and then something would remind me or it would just pop into my head and I'd want to vomit, but I stayed busy enough to keep myself from really thinking about it for more than a second.

My sister got engaged Thursday evening and that fact in itself has been keeping me pretty ecstatic.  She's going to marry a wonderful man, and I am so happy for them.

Then, last night, my laptop stopped working properly.  Suddenly I wasn't nearly as distracted as I'd been keeping myself, and the thoughts and the feelings just came flooding in.  The feelings I thought I'd dealt with a long time ago, but... well, it's hard to explain why, but it's obvious now that I couldn't have fully dealt with them and now they're back and stronger than ever.

I'm dirty.
My worth is only sexual.
Don't look at me!
Don't touch me, please.
I'm so ashamed.
I'm a slut.
I deserve to be scorned.
I want to hide in thick bulky clothing.
I feel sick and want to vomit up all the bad feelings.
I want to be invisible again.
I want to shove all this crap inside, deep inside, so I don't have to face it.
I want to deny that any of this is true.
It hurts so much that it is, and it's so confusing.

Guilt, shame, denial, confusion, horror, hatred, disgust towards myself and the other person, it's all crashing in on me at once and it's so overwhelming!

There was a time I felt all of those things so strongly.  I ended up cutting because the emotional pain was too much.  I want to cut again.  Badly.  It feels stronger this time, worse.  The emotional feels almost physical, like my body tingles and aches and I feel physically sick.  I feel antsy, I want to keep busy so I can shove it all aside, stop thinking about it and stop feeling.

It's really hard to verbalize any of this.  Writing it is easier.  Talking to Vincent about it is a lot harder.  I'm trying to, though, because he needs to know how I'm feeling.