Saturday, March 2, 2013

blurring and stirring the truth and the lies

Warning: This post might be a little, or a lot, disjointed.  I apologize if it makes no sense at all.  It's also going to be somewhat vague, and I'm sorry.  I also hate vague posts, but sometimes we have to share our feelings without talking about the specifics, right?

On Thursday I discovered a whole myriad of things about someone close to me that were horrifying, and shocking, and deeply affected me.  At first I was just shocked and horrified.  That's all I could feel, horror and shock.  And that lasted until the next day.

Yesterday I was mostly able to ignore it.  Every now and then something would remind me or it would just pop into my head and I'd want to vomit, but I stayed busy enough to keep myself from really thinking about it for more than a second.

My sister got engaged Thursday evening and that fact in itself has been keeping me pretty ecstatic.  She's going to marry a wonderful man, and I am so happy for them.

Then, last night, my laptop stopped working properly.  Suddenly I wasn't nearly as distracted as I'd been keeping myself, and the thoughts and the feelings just came flooding in.  The feelings I thought I'd dealt with a long time ago, but... well, it's hard to explain why, but it's obvious now that I couldn't have fully dealt with them and now they're back and stronger than ever.

I'm dirty.
My worth is only sexual.
Don't look at me!
Don't touch me, please.
I'm so ashamed.
I'm a slut.
I deserve to be scorned.
I want to hide in thick bulky clothing.
I feel sick and want to vomit up all the bad feelings.
I want to be invisible again.
I want to shove all this crap inside, deep inside, so I don't have to face it.
I want to deny that any of this is true.
It hurts so much that it is, and it's so confusing.

Guilt, shame, denial, confusion, horror, hatred, disgust towards myself and the other person, it's all crashing in on me at once and it's so overwhelming!

There was a time I felt all of those things so strongly.  I ended up cutting because the emotional pain was too much.  I want to cut again.  Badly.  It feels stronger this time, worse.  The emotional feels almost physical, like my body tingles and aches and I feel physically sick.  I feel antsy, I want to keep busy so I can shove it all aside, stop thinking about it and stop feeling.

It's really hard to verbalize any of this.  Writing it is easier.  Talking to Vincent about it is a lot harder.  I'm trying to, though, because he needs to know how I'm feeling.

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