Wednesday, February 13, 2013

why we don't use labels

I hadn't planned on blogging today, but then in a reply to Turiya's comment on my last post I got on a little tangent, deleted it, and turned it into a blog post.  I'd also planned on the next post being something funny and lighthearted.  Sorry!

In my post, the journy from there to here, part 2, I talked about how, for a long time, I was putting labels on things I had no business labeling.  If Vincent asked me not to leave dish rags in the sink anymore, for example, I labeled it a rule.  If he took my laptop from me because I was letting our son play with it when he'd asked me not to do that, I labeled it a punishment.

Technically, they could be labeled those things.  Vincent certainly expects that I don't leave dish rags in the sink because he's told me not to.  It isn't a request, it is a command, but Vincent has not labeled it a rule, and there is no consequence to breaking it save his displeasure (which truly is worse than any punishment he would inflict on me).  Having my laptop taken away because I wasn't treating it properly could certainly be a punishment, and it definitely felt like one, but Vincent did not label it as such.

Even now I could technically label some things as rules, and some as punishments.

Always be respectful.
Don't leave the dirty griddle on the floor as a reminder that it needs to be cleaned when you have time.
Don't leave dish rags in the sink.
Don't let the kids have your laptop or Kindle.
And of course, the most recent one, do not drink Mountain Dew.  (It gives me terrible tummy aches, but I love it so much that I ignore the pain and keep drinking it anyway.)

There are more, but I can't think of them all right now.

All of those could be labeled as rules, but they are not rules simply because Vincent has not labeled them as such. Does that make sense?  Some might be okay with going ahead and calling these rules even though they haven't been established specifically as rules because, well, they are technically rules.  For me, however, it's important that I don't.  Vincent will always give me commands, and expect me to follow them, continuously if required; but he would not establish a list of rules.  It's about staying true to the laid back nature of our relationship, our dynamic, our personalities.

There is an exception.  I do have one rule, it was established at the very beginning of this journey, years ago, and has remained.  It is the only command that he established specifically as a rule.

Do not use the vibrator without permission.

It's odd that that is the only rule.  I've definitely tested it a few times.  The consequence has been the vibrator being taken away for a period of time.  But when he commanded this, he specifically said it was a rule, and any time I test it he reestablishes it's status of being a rule.

One other time, much more recently, he posted a piece of paper in the kitchen.  It was titled Kitchen Rules.  I was a little miffed because I thought it meant that he didn't think I was doing a good enough job when I cleaned the kitchen.  He explained that they are just reminders to help me because I was constantly forgetting those things, or too busy to even think of them.  It hung there until my sister came over, saw it, and teased me about it.  It was thrown away after that. (I honestly don't remember who threw it away, him or me, but it didn't really matter.  It wasn't incredibly important.  Half the "rules" were jokes, movie references.)

So, this is why we don't use labels.  It never felt natural for Vincent to use labels, and I don't think he will ever feel comfortable with them, but it doesn't matter.  I know what the "rules" are even if we don't call them rules.  I know he is my Dom, even if we don't use that term.  I know when I'm being punished, even if he doesn't specifically say that's what it is.


  1. How about instead of thinking of them as rules, just think of them as his expectations of you. And instead of punishing you, he is simply correcting your behavior so that you are more pleasing to him. I suppose in a way you can still call that a label, but I think of it more as defining his words and actions.



  2. Those are perfect definitions, and yeah, I agree that they are more like definitions than labels.