Monday, February 11, 2013

the journey from there to here, part 1




I learned about BDSM for the first time by watching The Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal.  I was 20.  Never having heard of BDSM, and never having watched a movie so completely sexual, it took me several tries to get through all of it.  I almost didn't watch the whole thing, but I was curious and I let my curiosity spur me on.

Side note: I hate that "curiosity" omits the "u" in curious.  I constantly spell "curiosity" wrong because of this.  It just doesn't make any sense.  And I hate spelling words wrong.

Perhaps part of my curiosity was that, like Lee, I had been a cutter.  It was still something I struggled with at the time.  Actually, I still do every now and then.  I'd gotten addicted to the pain and I craved it, but no one understood, everyone was horrified, so I did my best not to cut anymore.  So the fact that she was able to stop cutting because this dominant man had commanded her to, and had offered her something to replace it was fascinating to me. (I realize this is a fictional story, but it was an idea that greatly appealed to me.)  So, feeling like I was doing something completely taboo, I began to research BDSM, and I was never once disgusted by this whole new world. Shocked yes, disgusted no.  I was just so fascinated and it pulled at the submissive in me that I had been unaware of until then.

Slowly I became braver about my explorations.  I found BDSM fiction and devoured it; I learned about collars, floggers, whips, bondage, wax play, objectification, and so much more.  Vincent and I had been dating for a year before I watched The Secretary, and it would be another 2 years before I would tentatively begin to talk to him about this whole lifestyle that had captured me.  In fact, I began to bring it up in small, very tame, doses a month or two before we got married.  At that time he didn't really seem interested, although it didn't repulse him, but his lack of interest was devastating to me. Still, since he wasn't repulsed, I slowly got braver and braver, and shared more and more with him.

And then I did something incredibly stupid.  I actually hate admitting that I did this because looking back on it I see how absolutely ridiculous it was, and completely NOT in line with how this sort of relationship works and I am incredibly embarrassed by it.  

About a year after we'd been married I bought a necklace, a dog tag necklace, one side of the tag was engraved with Sweet Little Monster, and the other side said Property of {insert Vincent's real name}.  By this time we had played around a tiny bit with bondage, but that was the extent of our kink.  The necklace was a desperate attempt at asking Vincent to collar me, to make me his submissive.  I wanted him to see the necklace and find his inner dominant.  It was also an attempt at reconnecting because at only 1 year into marriage we were living separate lives side by side. That didn't happen and I was so disappointed.  Everything fell apart after that.

Many months later, after some major mistakes on both our ends, we finally did reconnect.  I was a few months pregnant with our son when Vincent agreed to give BDSM, specifically dominance and submission, some serious consideration.  This is about the time that I began to blog as Alice.  I thought I knew what I wanted.  I thought I wanted rules, a collar, and punishment, and in order to get that I topped from the bottom a lot.  At first Vincent did try and give me what I thought I wanted, but since I wanted it for all the wrong reasons and he wasn't really into those things, it didn't work and I was still disappointed.  Eventually, we settled into a semblance of D/s, but I was still doing a lot of topping from the bottom, and I still longed for more than he was giving me.


To be continued...

6 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're continuing this "story". I so love to learn more about how other couples arrived at whatever it is that is TTWD (for them).

    Thank you for sharing!
    Love,
    Hannah

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    1. Thank you, Hannah. I too enjoy reading about how others got into the lifestyle and the journey that led them to where they are now. (So when do we get to read yours? ;) hehe)

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    2. Very soon. I promise to get it done this week:).

      Love,
      Hannah

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    3. Hooray! I saw, read, and commented on part 1.

      I can't wait to read the rest!

      Alex

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  2. Okay this is bad, but I know this story and it's still driving me nuts having to wait for the second part! LOL

    *hugs*

    Turiya

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    1. Haha! Turiya, you crack me up! The second part is set to be published 6 minutes from the time of writing this reply. I didn't want to make anyone wait too long, but it was all too long to put in one post.

      Hugs!

      Alex

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