It seems like a very long time ago that I was blogging under the name Alice at Curiouser and Curiouser. That blog has been deleted for... well, I think it's been about a year. It feels like much longer. Since then I have changed, I have grown, so has my husband (formerly referred to as Chess, and henceforth referred to as Vincent), and as a result our dynamic in this lifestyle has grown. I am no longer Alice wandering through Wonderland. This is why I come back now as Alexandria, or Alex.
When I was blogging as Alice I was searching. I knew only one thing for certain, I am a submissive. Everything else needed to be explored. I didn't know what I needed, even if at times I thought I did. I certainly didn't know what Vincent wanted, or needed. Towards the end, instead of finding my way, I had lost it. A lot of that was life, though there were other factors. I had a baby on the way, and a toddler to keep up with. Many of the things I wanted at that time were impossible for us simply because life did not permit them. At the very end, when I stopped blogging, I began to deny my submissive nature.
It wasn't until months later that I began to be open to the idea again. Still, I had a journey to take, and it was a slow one for me. It began by simply recognizing that BDSM still piqued my interest, especially the idea of submission. Dare I admit this happened by reading Fifty Shades of Grey? Now, those of you have read the books know that the heroine, Ana, is not really submissive. She enjoys submitting sexually for the most part, but outside of that she really isn't submissive at all. I remember being so frustrated with her when she would defy Christian. To me her defiance was blatant disrespect and I felt so badly for Christian. Anyway, despite my rekindled interest I still wasn't ready to call myself a submissive again.
Another few months passed, my interest grew during that time, and eventually I realized that try as I might to deny what I am, that part of me would never go away. As I accepted this I began to see that despite my insistence that I was not submissive, the dynamic between Vincent and I had not dissolved. No, in fact it had grown into something much more real than it ever had been.
Slowly I settled back into submission, accepting it. Even then, however, Vincent and I never discussed these changes or what they meant. We didn't really need to. I needed no definition. This was simply how we lived our life. I still don't need a definition. I thought for a bit that I did if I wanted to blog again, but I don't. I don't want to use terms that we don't use, or definitions we don't use, though as I share our life you're free to come to your own conclusions.